I’ve officially been on bed rest for 10 days.. it feels like it has been an eternity. After our trip to the ER last Sunday, my OB put me on a month of bed rest! 😢 I know this is what my body, and most importantly, what our baby girl needs, so I’m trying to relax and pass the time. I had no idea how much mind torture this could be, but it certainly is a struggle. Each day I’m counting our blessings and trying to remind myself that this too shall pass.

This week we have been showered with love and support. The amount of people who have called, texted, messaged or came by has been overwhelming.. In a positive way! 💕 This week we have had dinners and lunches delivered to our house daily and my girls even came over yesterday to clean and organize the kitchen, cook us some breakfast foods and keep me company. All of the people in our lives have truly stepped up and we are so grateful for it all.

 Currently I am tapped out on sharing, but an update felt necessary. Next week I am officially off work and will have time to relax & gather my thoughts. For now, thank you all again for the love, support, good vibes, prayers and kind gestures. No words could ever express our gratitude. 

Keep fighting and growing baby girl… mommy and daddy love you so much!

Well, I thought last Tuesday was the scariest moment of my life… until yesterday. I woke up Sunday morning and threw towels in the washer then sat down on the couch to watch some TV (bed rest has me doing a lot of that lately). Shortly after my Mom called to chat and check up on me. We talked for awhile about everything under the sun, until I decided to jump off the phone and get ready for the day. We had plans to go to the in-laws house to relax and watch football, nothing new this time of year. 

I went to the rest room before getting in the shower when all of a sudden my heart sank. I looked down and the toilet was full of blood. I hadn’t had any bleeding since last Tuesday night so this was completely unexpected. I rushed to the spare room where Evan was playing video games and informed him about what was going on. We talked and decided we would wait just a little bit to see if the bleeding stopped, since it subsided quickly last Tuesday. As I sat there worrying I felt it getting heavier. I called my best friend in a panic and she said to go to the ER to get checked out. We packed up and rushed out the door again, hoping this was just due to over doing it the day before.

When we arrived at the ER I went and sat down while Evan checked me in. He put me in a wheel chair to keep me from walking too much and to keep me safe. I went to the rest room again and the blood was so heavy. My heart was racing and my mind was spinning. They soon checked me in and took me back to see the doctor. She said they wanted to run the same tests they did Tuesday to compare things. When she left a gentleman came in to take my blood. As he was walking in I felt a huge rush of blood and told Evan to grab the doctor. They advised me to have my blood draw then use the restroom after.

Once the phlebotomist was finished Evan wheeled me into the hallway and to the bathroom. I stood up and walked in the door when I felt blood gush through an overnight pad, down my leg and onto the floor. The amount of blood was so alarming that I nearly passed out. I did my business and called for Evan. He told the nurse and her response was “that isn’t uncommon during a miscarriage.” They put me back in the wheelchair and admitted me to a room. The nurse laid me on a bed pad and again told me that the amount of blood I was losing was common with miscarriage. These words had me in tears instantly at the thought of losing our precious baby.

Another nurse came in and asked my blood type, explaining that they needed to know in case I was hemorrhaging and needed blood. Evan instantly went into a panic. From that moment on he was on edge and I hated seeing him worry. 

After waiting for what felt like forever, they finally sent an ultrasound tech in. I couldn’t stomach looking, I was fearing the worst at this point. I watched Evan’s face for awhile and the look of fear and sadness made me feel as though the worse was happening. In the 9 years that we’ve been together I can honestly say that I’ve never seen him that close to tears. Seeing him that way broke my heart. 💔

After a few minutes he asked the tech if she could tell us anything. She explained that the doctor had to give us that information. She then continued to work and said “she’s moving and has a heartbeat,” while showing us what she saw. We knew that might not mean that she was okay, and that my body might be rejecting her, so we didn’t get our hopes up. As she left she said that in her last training someone said “never underestimate the power of the fetus. I wish you two the best” Those simple words filled me with a slight bit of hope in that moment. 

I got up again to use the rest room and to remove my soiled clothing, they were driving me nuts. The nurse put me in a giant adult diaper and a gown, trust me it was not a good look. I laid back in bed and we put the football game on to pass the time. My best friend showed up to the hospital with some food and a change of clothes for me. When I say she’s a saint, I mean that with all of my being. She has twins at home and her own battles, yet she dropped everything, found a sitter, and showed up to take care of us. The snack was much needed and the change of clothes were essential.. walking out in the giant adult diaper was not my idea of a good time. 

We were there for hours waiting to hear what was going on. Time seemed to stand still. Finally the doctor came back and informed us that the baby appeared healthy and my blood work results showed that my levels had remained the same, which was positive. We asked about the size of the hematoma that they saw Tuesday and she told us that it wasn’t there any more. She went on to explain that she suspected that it was the hematoma that ruptured and caused the bleeding. Her information was uplifting, but we knew we weren’t out of the woods. She said if it was the hematoma, bleeding should slow down and go away after a few days. 

She decided to discharge us, putting me on 100% bed rest and told me to follow up with my OB. They told us that if the bleeding continued heavily to return to the ER, because I ran the risk of losing too much blood and needing an IV. Again, Evan was on edge and didn’t want to leave. They advised that resting at home was the best thing and to return if necessary. We packed up and headed home after a good 5.5 hours of being there. We were mentally and physically exhausted at this point, but had some relief in the news. We got home and the in-laws delivered food for us so we didn’t have to worry. We spent the evening on the couch and went to bed early. 

I woke up today with only small traces of dried blood, and no more gushing like yesterday. The day has been spent relaxing and reminding ourselves that this is serious and I can’t do a damn thing until told otherwise. My husband has been a rockstar and has been taking such good care of me. I am beyond blessed to have such a loving, caring and supportive man by my side. I truly hit the jackpot. Today he worked from home, brought me lunch and stocked the fridge with easy to grab food for the rest of the week. I am listening to the doctors and taking extra caution. This baby is a fighter and I will do everything in my power to protect her.

We ask for continued good vibes and prayers as the days pass. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but we are reminding ourselves to enjoy every day that we are pregnant & to stay positive! 

Come on baby girl, mommy and daddy need you to keep pushing to stay healthy. We love you so much!! 💞💕💖

Tuesday started off as one of the most amazing days. I had an appointment with a perinatal doctor and was nervous, but quickly my mood changed once I got there. The first thing they did was an ultrasound of our sweet baby girl. The last time I had one was at 8 weeks, and at that point she was still a tiny spec on the screen. During this appointment she was 100% different!! 

The ultrasound technician took photos of her face, her arms, hands, legs and feet then showed me the blood pumping through her body. It was unreal. What was once just a small blob, now has adorable facial features and it made everything feel much more real. I left with a huge sense of satisfaction and the doctor told me she was growing beautifully! 

That evening after work I was in the kitchen making dinner when all of a sudden I felt something all too familiar… I got the feeling of starting my menstrual cycle and rushed to the bathroom. When I wiped I noticed blood. My heart dropped and I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I yelled for Evan and told him what was going on. I quickly messaged my doula and she suggested that I reach out to the OB on-call at my doctor’s office. 

The on-call OB advised me to go to the emergency room to be looked at. We were so terrified that we couldn’t eat dinner and rushed out the door. Once we were there they did an ultrasound. While they were examining her we saw her still moving, which was a huge relief. After that I provided a urine sample and they did blood work. After being there for 4.5 hours we finally saw the doctor. She explained that I have a hematoma and something called placenta previa. She told us multiple times that it could correct itself or it could cause a miscarriage. This news was heartbreaking. She said it so casual and that infuriated me. 

We got home around midnight and we were exhausted. I decided to call off the next day and reach out to my OB for guidance. My doctor called me that afternoon and put me on bed rest for one week. She said they wanted me on it for two weeks, but I asked her to consider one week and then we can see how I am. As you can imagine, this was a huge surprise after just having an excellent appointment the day before. She said she thinks things will resolve themselves, but in order to do so, I must relax and rest. 

I’m on day 3 of bed rest and I am bored out of my mind, but continuing to remind myself that this baby is worth it. My days have been filled with lots of computer work for my job, HGTV, old episodes of Big Brother, reading and naps with my pups. Sounds lovely, but I am wishing everything was still smooth sailing and that I could be back at work. In the meantime I will soak up the down time and keep this baby baking! 

With this turn of events it has also made our travel plans change. We had booked a trip to Jamaica in February for Evan’s cousin’s wedding, but due to these complications, my OB has advised me to stay home. 😢 I am so sad, frustrated and heartbroken, but again- this baby is my number one priority! 

My next appointment is February 5th, and it can’t come soon enough. I need to see her, hear her and get reassurance that these issues are resolving themselves. In the meantime, I am holding on to the gut feeling that she’s going to be just fine! I will rest as long as I need to in order for this pregnancy to be successful and healthy! 💖 Please send us good vibes and lots of prayers for the days and weeks ahead!

Come on baby girl, keep growing! We love you so much already. 🤰🏼💗

On Tuesday we will hit 10 weeks of being pregnant! 😍 I am still slightly in shock & disbelief. After four years of trying and so many let downs, I never thought we would make it to this place. As I lay here reflecting, my eyes are filled with tears of joy. 

Over the years I grew a ton, and felt empowered to tell my story. In the beginning it was an outlet for me but it turned into my desire to connect and help other women who were facing similar battles. I have met some of the most beautiful, kind and strong women through it all. Many of these women became my support system and I cannot thank them enough for all of the love they showed me during some of the darkest moments of our journey. 

Last weekend we held a small gender reveal party and it was so exciting. My mother in law decorated the place perfectly, my father in law cooked up delicious food and we were surrounded by a few of our friends and family. Evan decided that we would play “egg roulette” to find out the gender. In my gut I knew what we were having, so I opted to smash the blue eggs.

On the second pink egg, it busted all over him and I leaped from the chair in sheer joy. The still frame photos are hilarious! 😂 As I suspected, Evan was terrified to have a girl. I truly believe it’s just because he knows she will have him wrapped around her little finger and turn him into a total softie! 😍

A funny thing happened the very next day. I received a call from the office that did our gender testing and they told me that they shouldn’t have released the information, and our results were inclusive. I immediately called Evan and his response was “so you’re saying there’s still a chance?” 💙😂 All week we were nervous and excited to once again find out the gender. 

Last night we went to dinner with the in laws and opened the email together. Cass and Joel busted out the team boy glasses and beads, but they lost again… it is still a girl! 💖🎀 As cliché as it sounds, I don’t care either way what the gender is, as long as it’s a healthy baby!

As the days pass we inch closer to the “safe zone” and continue to enjoy every moment of this process. The morning sickness & other symptoms can be challenging, but I’m embracing it all. I’ve wanted this for so long, so nothing can stifle the joy I feel at this point! We ask for continued prayers as we move along in this pregnancy and want to thank everyone for the love and support. 

November 17, 2018

Friday night I was exhausted, like I usually am at the end of the week. Around 9:30 I told Evan I was going to throw in the towel and hit the bed. I had just finished my first week at my new job and I was mentally and physically worn out. My first week was great, but I was on information overload. 

We went to bed early but unlike most nights, I was restless. I tossed and turned for awhile until I finally dosed off. A couple hours later I woke up from an odd dream that had my mind racing. After an hour or so I finally fell back to sleep, but not for long. All night I woke up every few hours to strange dreams. 

The dreams were stemmed from my confusion about my monthly cycle being late. I was supposed to start on Wednesday, but no sign of it. I chalked it up to being stressed about starting a new job, starting my half marathon training and my typical overall worrisome mind. Each time I woke up I had to shake it off and tell myself to not think about the what-ifs and just sleep. 

The next morning I woke up and Evan told me to “pee on a stick,” as he normally does if I’m a day or two late. I searched for one but didn’t have one on hand. I shook it off and said I’m sure I’ll start later today. He insisted that he run to CVS to get cereal and a few “just to check.” He came home and I was sipping tea and relaxing. He told me to take one so we could just be certain I was just late. 

In the time he was gone I had received a call from work about an incident at the clinic after we left on Friday. I had calls, texts and emails to follow up on things so my mind was all over the place. Half out of it I went into the bathroom, took the test and continued my emails. After a few minutes I looked down and saw something I’ve NEVER seen before. TWO LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😍❤️😍❤️😍

In complete shock I yelled Evan’s name and ran to the living room. I told him “I’M PREGNANT,” as tears streamed down my cheeks. When I finally stopped sobbing, I stepped back from his embrace and saw the biggest smile I’ve ever seen plastered across his face. The only other time I’ve ever seen a smile that big was our wedding day. We were in total shock! 

At that point we stood in the kitchen staring at the test in disbelieve. We had no idea what to say or do. I told him I needed to call Tina. I knew she would be overjoyed and would have some wise insight, since she had been through so much with her battles over the years. We FaceTime called her and showed her. She busted into tears of joy! We had so many questions and I knew she was the one to call.

We were so happy, but we also know that it’s so early that we needed to be cautiously optimistic. She gave us sound advice and we felt some relief. We talked and decided that we had been so transparent with our family with the IVF battles and the negative outcomes, so we wanted to do the same here. We know we have a long road ahead, and the future is unknown. But for now we will celebrate the news, the sign of hope and enjoy being pregnant!!! ❤️ 

Time line of events since I wrote this post….

11/24- New life for first ultrasound. Estimate 6 week’s and 2 days. Due July 25th. 

12/1- New life for heart beat. 

12/13- first official doctor appointment 

12/16- gender reveal party

One year ago yesterday our lives felt like they had been turned upside-down. We had gone through our second round of stims for IVF and they retrieved 11 eggs. That number was high for me, so we had been extremely excited. If you have followed our story you saw the outcome. If you didn’t, here is the short version… 

After the long 7 days of waiting for updates on how many eggs fertilized, we had been through a roller coaster of emotions. Day 3 they said one had made it and likely no others would. Our hearts were breaking. Day 5 they said magically we had 5 total and they were thinking one other might make it. We popped champagne that night in celebration and waited for news about genetic testing (I have Myotonic Dystrophy). On October 31st, 2017 I was at work in a meeting and got the call. I rushed out in excitement only to find out that all 5 were unusable and had genetic abnormalities. 😢

I remember feeling as though my world was collapsing around me, but I couldn’t cry yet. I went back into my meeting, heard nothing from the last part of it and rushed out the door. Once I got in the car I lost it. I cried so hard I could barely see. I wanted so bad to call Evan right then, but I had to gather myself. I planned to wait and tell him when he got home, but when he called me, I lost it all over again. I remember him telling me to calm down, pull over and get it together so I could drive home safely. I did the best I could and managed to get home.

I immediately broke down sobbing uncontrollably when I walked in the door and he pulled me in to hug me. We both curled up in bed and I continued to cry like never before. Suddenly he started to talk about things and I could hear it in his voice how hurt he was feeling too. I felt horrible that I hadn’t even thought about how he was feeling in that moment as I lost my mind crying and he was consoling me. He had been so calm and collected, and held it all together for me. Even though I had endured the physical part of the process, he was fully invested in all of it with me. 

If you haven’t already realized it, my husband is absolutely amazing. No matter what’s going on he is the voice of reason and my rock! I have no clue how I got so lucky, but I certainly won the lottery finding him! We laid there for awhile talking about things, and he continued to remind me that it wasn’t the end of our journey. ❤️ 

That night we turned off our porch light, left candy out for the neighborhood trick or treaters and hid away. Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays to celebrate and have fun, but the scars from last year have lingered. It may never be the same for us, but I know in time we will have our own kiddos and find joy in it again! 

IVF was a terrifying ride, and the outcome was earth shattering. We sunk a lot of time, money and emotion into the process and came out on the other side with a few things (certainly not what we had hoped for). On the bright side we learned so much about ourselves, our relationship and what truly matters. Many couples crumble during infertility battles, and I can completely understand why, but not us. We took each hurdle and held on to one another as tight as possible. 

In conclusion, we mapped out plan B and have moved forward. Our ultimate goal in this life is to have a family and be happy. We will get there one way or another! ❤️ 

The weekend has come and gone, as it always does. I sit here on a Monday morning sipping my coffee, and I can’t help but be happy. This morning on my Facebook memories a few photos popped up that made me smile and shed a tear. One year ago on a chilly Sunday morning my friends and I went hiking with the twins. For those of you who don’t know, my ride or die, Tina Delgado, has the world’s cutest twins! 😍

Tiffany, Tina and I strapped the twins to us and headed out on our favorite hiking trail. I opted to take Mia and Tiffany called dibs on Micah. When we hit the trail it was cold, so the warmth of those sweet bundles of joy was wonderful! As the morning went on Mia dozed off and we hiked on. I couldn’t help but feel happy in that moment to have her in my arms. At that moment my husband and I were fighting an infertility battle that made my heart ache daily, but having amazing friends who shared their babies and their love with us made it manageable. 

Since I came out and shared my battles with infertility, I’ve found that other women often try to “shield” women like myself from knowing their joy. What I mean by that is women who have become pregnant, think that if they announce a pregnancy around us, it will hurt us. If I’m being transparent, it does hurt at times. But what hurts even more is to be left in the dark because of your misfortune or struggles. I’ve been beyond blessed to have shared the joy with my friends as they have become pregnant over the past few years, and their joy gives me hope.

Having the Delgado twins to love has helped my heart in so many ways. I am so thankful that Tina understood the battle I was facing and welcomed me into their hearts instead of trying to shield me from the pain. Soon our circle of friends will be welcoming a new bundle of joy, and I truly cannot wait! 

I will never forget the morning Tiffany told me she was expecting. We had been working out early in the mornings in Tina’s garage and that morning Tina over slept. Tiff was acting strange and I couldn’t figure out why. After a few minutes she busted out crying and hugging me. I have to admit I was terrified, I had no idea what was going on. She quickly explained that she just found out she was pregnant and she was afraid to tell me in fear of hurting me. 

This right here is why I love Tiffany. She was so incredibly excited about her pregnancy, yet she was afraid to hurt me. I reassured her that I was so happy for her and thankful she included me in the news!! ❤️ Soon we will welcome her sweet baby girl, and I am looking forward to lots of new baby snuggles! 

For those of you who have friends fighting the good fight (infertility), don’t shield them from pain, include them! Even if it hurts for a moment, being included and part of your joy can truly heal their broken souls! 

Well, I have been on a long hiatus and feel it’s time to give those around us an update. Lately I’ve been getting a lot of questions about where we are in our journey to parenthood. It’s crazy to learn that so many have followed our story through my blog over the past year! 

At this point we are at a standstill. As I’ve expressed before, much of our journey has been hurry up to wait. For those who have experienced infertility battles, I am sure you can relate. With a failed attempt at IVF (one year ago this month), we evaluated our situation and decided to change our path. Our ultimate goal is to have a family, and though we would love for it to be our biological child, that’s not in our cards at this point. We literally sat down and wrote out the pros and cons to each option, and decided that foster to adopt was a good next step. 

We jumped in with two feet and started checking off the countless boxes that the county requires. Long Saturdays in classes, filling out endless packets of paperwork, doctors appointments, finger prints for us and our local immediate family and so on. Finally after all of that we got an email saying they were ready to do our home study portion of the process (the final step before approval). The hold up came when we decided to sell our home and move a little further south to improve Evan’s commute to work. 

I notified them about putting our house on the market, and with that they placed us on hold. The home study inspects your living situation and ensures that the child will be in a safe environment. Since the process takes awhile, it didn’t make sense to do an inspection here then move (hopefully in 30-60 days). With that we pushed everything to the back burner while we sell our home. 

Being a new Realtor, I am selling our current home and will also be the agent buying our next home. It is exciting, yet I’m a little bit terrified! 😂 Keep your fingers crossed for us as we get through this process. We are eager, but also in a spot where we are feeling content and confident that everything is happening for a reason. 

One year ago we (or at least I), was in a very different mind frame, and this journey has taught me so much about myself, Evan and our marriage. My husband is my rock, and I cannot imagine going through these past few years with anyone else. I have truly learned to slow down and enjoy our time together. We know we are headed in the right direction, but it has become very obvious that we are not in control, even though we desperately want to be. Our pathway to parenthood is still unknown, but we are embracing the journey! The Farnum family is headed towards the next chapter, whatever that may be! ❤️ 

It’s early on a Sunday morning, and I have been sitting here contemplating what to write. I’ve wanted to share our latest adventure with the world, but a piece of me has been fighting it. It takes a lot to be vulnerable and open about such an emotional battle, but it also provides me with a sense of healing. Our path has been a windy one, and it is far from over, but I feel as though we are on the right track.

The past year and a half has been difficult, emotional and trying. Lots of money was spent with hopes that we would be starting our little family, and with great disappointment, we were unsuccessful. After our failed attempts, we decided to take a small break and let some of the emotional turmoil dissipate, as well as our bank accounts to recover. IVF treatment is expensive, financially, emotionally and physically. Couples that fight that battle are true warriors.

Early this year we found out that my insurance had picked up infertility treatment. We were over the moon! After countless phone calls with the insurance company and to our corporate office, we found that it wasn’t what we had hoped. On paper it sounds as if we had amazing coverage, but the truth of the matter is that since this is a “new” coverage, it truly does not decrease costs, and could potentially be more expensive. It blows my mind that the very first IVF treatment was done in 1977, and we still do not have adequate coverage for families. How does this happen? I could get on my soap box and rant about this, but I digress.

Two weeks ago I had a strong feeling that maybe we were on the wrong pathway. I sent Evan a text early one morning and asked if we could start up the foster / adopt process. Being the wise man that he is, he said we would discuss it that night. He knows that in the morning my mind runs wild and I dream up big things! 😉 That evening we decided to do what we do best. We went to our hole in the wall bar, had a beverage and in true Evan fashion, we made a physical list of pros and cons for each process. We wrote out each available option and compiled the positives and negatives. After that we got into a deep conversation about what truly matters to us when it comes to starting a family. When it all boiled down we both agreed that passing on our DNA would be wonderful, but any child that we are blessed with would be loved equally! I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I immediately started making plans, that’s how I roll. I set up an orientation, scheduled our two required classes, arranged for our CPR certification class, and so on. Yesterday we completed the Parent focus class with Koinonia, and it was eye opening and made us feel excited. The process can take time and placement could take even longer. But we are hopeful and excited about this adventure. We are able to set “filters” on what we are willing to accept, and we are going to be selfish and be patient. We want a 0-1 year old, and for it to be adoption ready. The wait could be long, potentially up to a couple years, but we feel it will all be worth it!

We learned that over 70% of children who are placed into foster care typically reunite with their families. That scares us, but we are hoping that we get a chance at a permanent placement, and if we have a child come in and then go, we will have to understand that we are making an impact on fragile lives. With all of that said, we are excited, anxious, nervous and more importantly hopeful! ❤️

This week was Infertility Awareness Week, as I am sure you all saw my floods of posts. The great thing about awareness days, months or weeks is that they do what they suggest. Raise awareness. The downside is that it can also make people feel like you’re beating a dead horse or that you’re angry, bitter or broken. To some degree that is true, but not entirely. I certainly have my moments of frustration and “why us.” But mostly I just like sharing information and educating. It is quite healing for me.