Refocused during Pandemic Stay at Home Orders…

Well, it has been entirely too long since I last wrote. Life has happened, and I have allowed myself to slack in many areas of life that bring me pleasure and center me. I am not sorry for that, and have zero regrets about the time that has passed though. In the past 10+ months I have done my best to soak up the time with my family and my daughter. Wow… it still feels surreal to type that. MY DAUGHTER! I am the mother to a beautiful, smart and strong-willed (help me Lord) daughter. Life truly could not get much better.

I still plan to soak up the moments and enjoy these times, but I have refocused. I have put plans into place to ensure my success both as a Mother/Wife and as a professional. I firmly believe that the two can coincide, it just takes better planning and flexibility on the days that Nora isn’t on the same page with these plans. 🙂

To back track, I left my full-time job in January and set out on a new adventure. One that allowed me to stay home with Nora, but still keep earning an income. I was blessed with an opportunity in Fall of 2019 to participate in a Ramp Up real estate course with some extraordinary individuals, and it truly gave me the courage to take on my real estate business full-time. This class was more than just educational for me… It transformed the way I thought and felt about myself, and gave me the motivation to step outside of my comfort zone and into a world filled with potential. For that class, I am forever grateful.

The decision to walk away from my career in healthcare was one that was discussed in length with Evan, many nights over whiskey. For those of you who don’t know, that is how we make our best decisions. This concept is one that arose when we were in the thick of infertility battles, and has stuck with us. Any time we need to weigh options, list out the pros and cons and really hash something out, we grab a Gentleman Jack and Coke and get down to it.

The healthcare center that I was running was closing down and I was offered a position that was much further away. That meant less time with Nora, and more time away. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of that. Thinking about it now just gives me anxiety. We knew that we would have to make some sacrifices to make it work financially, but we also knew it was worth it. Nora started daycare at 3 months old in September of 2019 and my days were spent rushing to and from work just to spend limited time with her. I had dreamed of being a Mother my entire life, and spending it away from her was just not an option that was going to fulfill me. Evan being the amazing man and husband that he is, supported my decision to walk away from my job and to take a leap of faith in real estate, with my little Nora by my side.

The beginning of 2020 started off fast and things got rolling. Nora and I were on fire and the Mommy and Me RE team was starting to get some traction. I was given the opportunity to help some amazing friends buy/sell their homes and I knew that this was the right path. It was such a blessing to be able to take Nora along with me during the day and in the evenings she was able to spend time with her Daddy while I showed houses. It truly was the best of both worlds. Unfortunately everything came to a screeching halt when Covid-19 hit and the pandemic started. No one saw it coming, but it hit hard and fast. Now, we are all under mandatory stay at home orders, and business has slowed.

Evan started working from home March 23rd, and we are unsure when orders will be lifted. We have settled into a nice at home routine, and honestly I love having him home with us. Between naps and play, Nora gets to give her Daddy hugs and she lights up when he walks out of the spare room. It warms my heart. We are grateful that his company is keeping them working so we can make ends meet. Time is passing by, just like it would any other time, but we’ve made some changes that likely wouldn’t have happened if this pandemic didn’t happen. Sad that a pandemic makes us reassess our lives, but in the midst of so much world wide loss, pain and suffering, we are finding the good.

To everyone out there… stay home, stay safe and stay healthy. Together we will all get through this!

Mommy and Me RE

Nora is now 7.5 months old and I am blown away at how fast time is flying by. 😭 When she was 3 months old I went back to work and sent her to daycare.. I hated handing her off to someone each day (even though I loved her care takers), and rushing off to work. While I was there I would watch the clock and count down to 5:00pm when I could get back to her. The amount of Mom guilt that I had was unreal.

In the morning I would sneak out of bed to quickly shower, feed her a bottle, then sit her in a swing while I attempted to make myself look half presentable for public. The lack of sleep, abundance of hormones and daily pressure to be a working Mom was weighing on me. I had spent so much time wishing and praying for a baby, and once I had her I felt like I was wasting time working and not enjoying this blessing.

Things took a turn when we were notified that the medical center I was running was closing the doors. In an attempt to continue making money for our family and contributing, I offered to drive to Corona (1 hour each way- without traffic… Which is a joke. We live in Southern California. The drive would end up being much more).

I made the drive for two weeks and knew that I was going to be sacrificing even more time with my sweet little baby. A few other factors made the decision to not take that position easier, but I knew I couldn’t just stay home and not contribute.. That’s just not possible with owning a home, student loan debt and bills to pay. Before getting pregnant, I got my real estate license and had hopes of some day being able to do that full time. The time just didn’t seem right when I got it, but after long talks and much thought, we decided to take a leap of faith and give it a go. My amazing and supportive husband had my back and told me to do it.

I have had the pleasure of working from home and having Nora with me all day since the beginning of January and I couldn’t be happier. She’s my little side kick and we are loving this opportunity. Thus far we have worked with a few wonderful families and hope to continue to do so. There is nothing better than helping families buy and sell their homes, while being able to have my girl by my side.

2020 has started off great and we look forward to working with lots of great families this year!! I continue to have faith that things are working out just how they should be. Life throws us curve balls, but some how we manage to find the right path. I’m finding that our parenthood pathway is bumpy, just like our pathway to get here… But we are going to slow down and enjoy the ride! ❤️

Nora Lynn Farnum- 6.17.19

Monday June 17, 2019 our world changed. At 4:26PM we heard the cries of our miracle baby, Nora Lynn. She weighed 5 lbs 9 oz and has dark black hair, like her daddy. I may be bias, but she’s pretty perfect!

The day of her delivery was crazy and honestly some of it is a blur, but I believe it’s safe to say that it has been one of the most amazing moments in our lives thus far. When the doctor held her up, I burst into tears. We’ve been through so much over the past few years and this pregnancy has been a rocky road, but in that very moment, none of that mattered any more. My amazing husband talked to me during the procedure to keep me calm, then held her by me as they finished up. Going in, we had so many unknowns, but things went very well.

After Nora had been sent off for evaluation and the doctors were wrapping up my c-section, the oncologist came around to us and asked: “so, how many kids do you plan on having?” Going into this procedure we were told to expect a c-section and hysterectomy due to a suspected placenta accreta diagnosis. To their surprise, my placenta came out fine and I did not require the hysterectomy! We were thrilled. Things went better than we expected, minus some substantial blood loss, but the team was prepared so everything was fine. Recovery immediately following was difficult and extremely painful, and I am still battling some of that, but things are looking great.

Nora was sent to the NICU after delivery since she was 34 weeks and 6 days, but everything was looking excellent. Monday night she required some interventions to help with her breathing and feeding, but the nurses have assured us that this is normal for a baby born early. She’s tough and is keeping the nurses on their toes, which I knew she would based on her sass in the womb. 😉 The past couple days have been long, with not much sleep due to us being anxious and wanting to be with our girl, but we are so grateful and feeling beyond blessed.

Holding our baby girl in our arms is like nothing I’ve ever felt, and I can’t wait until we can do so in the comfort of our home. We are hoping that her stay in the NICU will be limited, but we are unsure exactly how long that might be. The nurses are hopeful that it won’t be a long stay, and we are working to get her breathing and eating under control so we can head home. For now we are soaking up as much time with her as possible, trying to get this whole breastfeeding thing down and taking advantage of the time we have to rest before things get real!

We ask for continued prayers as we get through these next couple weeks and settle into life as a family of 6 (yes, my dogs are still counted as children) 😉. The outpouring of love and support has been unreal. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you to all of you for cheering us on during this pregnancy. Our support system has been crucial and much appreciated. 💕

32 weeks… date of arrival is set!

We have survived the first two and a half weeks in the hospital and that’s all thanks to my amazing Mom, our friends and family! Since my admit date my Mom and I have made ourselves at home here and got into a groove. Each day we play games, get outside for about 30 minutes and have found some shows that give us something to look forward to in the evenings. We joke and say that we get 30 minutes in “the yard,” since I kind of feel like a prisoner. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am to have her here with me. Honestly, not sure I could do it without her.

My Mom has been such a trooper! She takes such good care of me every day and has done everything in her power to keep me happy and positive. She is sleeping on an air mattress, having to heat up meals (that my fabulous father in law has been making and sending us), drinking subpar coffee and has given up her summer to be with me. My Mother has always been my biggest supporter and she continues to take care of me, even at 31 years old. I hope that I am half the Mom that she is, because she is truly the best mom and friend I could ever ask for.

Along with my Mom being here, Evan comes every Friday night and we have a “date night.” On Friday Evan gets off work and heads to the hospital for the evening and stays overnight while my Mom heads to our house to take care of the dogs and do our laundry. On Fridays’ we watch Game of Thrones on Netflix (we started watching this series late so we are 5 season in), order dinner with Door Dash and catch up. I look forward to our Friday date nights every week since we are not able to see each other much during the week. I have to admit that being apart is one of the most difficult parts of this journey. I miss being in our home, with our dogs, doing our routine and sleeping in our bed. I have had lots of time to reflect, and I appreciate and love everything about home and our life together. Can’t wait to get home to my boys and bring our baby girl home!

In here I am monitored every 8 hours, have blood draws every 3 days, have an IV that has to be flushed frequently, get visits from doctors, nurses, social workers, etc. and get weekly ultrasounds. Nora hates being on the monitor and kicks it off, so she has become known as the wild baby on the floor. Not sure where she gets that stubbornness… 😬😉🤷‍♀️ I love ultrasound days because we get a glimpse of her precious face, if she allows it. Often times she turns her back or covers her face. I think we have a sassy little girl on our hands, but I’ll take it.

Today we had an ultrasound and got some exciting news! Nora is measuring at 4 lbs 13 oz. and a week ahead of schedule. Along with this the doctor caught her drinking amniotic fluid and breathing well on the scan. She explained that both of these things are great signs since she will be taken by c-section early. After my scan I got a call and they have set our c-section date for Monday June 17th! That means that our sweet girl will be here in 17 days! 😭 The doctor also confirmed she suspects that a hysterectomy will be necessary following my c-section to avoid major issues with me. We are mentally preparing for this.

This entire pregnancy has been a roller coaster and certainly has been far from easy, but we are in the home stretch. I am so thankful for all of the love and support we have had along this journey. We have had family and friends near and far helping us in every way possible… for all of you, I am grateful! I had a vision of what pregnancy would be like, and it has been nothing like that, but it has been manageable because of the love of our tribe.

As I lay here in this ever so uncomfortable hospital bed, I can’t help but feel happy. Nearly 5 years ago we sat in a bar and decided we wanted to start a family, not knowing what our pathway would look like. We have experienced so many highs and lows over the years and after endless appointments, failed IVF treatments, many tears, a surgery, foster/adopt classes and so much more, we are fulfilling our dream. It may not have gone the way we wanted it to, but soon none of that will matter. As we count down over the next 17 days, I will be reflecting on this journey and counting our blessings.

Please keep us in your prayers as we approach Nora’s arrival… We ask for a healthy baby girl and that the surgeons and doctors will take good care of us both. We are beyond excited, yet slightly terrified about the c-section and surgery. I know we are in the best hospital possible with some of the top doctors, so that gives us some peace of mind! 💕

Week 29/30 Updates; Hospital admission underway

This post has taken longer for me to write than I anticipated. The past couple weeks have been a continuous whirlwind , and it has taken longer for me to fully process than usual. On May 3rd we had our monthly appointment with the specialist and more news was thrown our way. We had another new doctor that we saw, and to be honest I was dreading seeing this one. I had multiple people tell me that he was blunt, harsh and his bedside manner was subpar. To our surprise, he turned out to be exactly what we needed at this point in this pregnancy.

The anatomy scan went well as it has every time, which is always a huge relief. Nora was growing right on track, active and perfect if I do say so myself. Following this the doctor requested to do a check on my cervix to ensure it was looking good, and we are thankful he did this. He told us he saw a spot that could be of concern and that he would explain once I was dressed and in his office. We went in and had no idea that the news he was about to give us would change everything.

The doctor explained that I had suspected Placenta Accreta, a rare condition for someone like me who has had no known miscarriages, no pelvic surgeries and no past pregnancies that required a c-section. He told us upfront not to Google this diagnosis, because what you find on the internet is mainly about worse cases and it would just scare us more. This diagnosis means that my placenta is growing into my uterus and can cause major issues at birth if not done properly. Another curve ball was that he explained that due to this, I may have to have a hysterectomy immediately following my c-section to avoid further complications. The risk is not as much to Nora, but to me. If not done properly, it could result in major blood loss and death, which no one wants to hear. He reassured us that this is his specialty, that he would be sending us to the best hospital for this and that the surgeons would be top notch. Our next steps were an MRI to confirm what he saw and then a follow up with a team or doctors to come up with a game plan. We left this appointment in shock, but thankful to have fallen into this doctor’s care despite us originally not wanting to see him.

That night I was in shock and the information wasn’t really processing. Over the next day or two I spent a lot of time thinking about what this news meant to us and our family. The thought of having a potentially extremely dangerous birth with our first child then losing the ability to try again for a second was a hard pill to swallow. I filled my Mom in right away and of course this news sent her into Momma bear mode and she wanted to get out here to California to be with us and help. Sunday I broke down and admitted to her that I needed her here. The next day she jumped into action changing her original flights, rearranging her doctors’ appointments and spoke with her employer about leaving to be with us. By Monday afternoon she had changed her flights and made the arrangements to fly out the following Saturday. This was a huge relief to me, and her selflessness is undeniable. With some weight lifted off my chest I was ready to tackle a week of appointments that would give us more insight.

Monday morning Tina took me to my first NST (stress test appointment), and everything came back fine. We had breakfast together that day and cried over a coffee as we reminisced about her pregnancy struggles and how much our Mother’s mean to us during times like this. I’m thankful to have her by my side through all of this, because so much of what I’m going through, she can relate to. She faced bed rest, scares throughout her pregnancy and all the way up until the twins arrival. She keeps me positive, optimistic and level headed. Everyone deserves a friend like that!

Tuesday Evan took off work and we headed to San Diego for an MRI and a follow up appointment with the doctor. Somehow I managed to survive the MRI (I hate tight spaces), and our appointment confirmed that what he saw the following Friday was real. He informed us that he wanted to admit me to Mary Birch hospital in San Diego the following week and he would call us after his meeting with a team of 8-9 doctors’ who would be handling my case. Even though I was hoping for other news, I felt a sense of security knowing that I was in great care and would be monitored closely to try to avoid life threatening complications. As we drove home I got teary eyed because I knew my Mom was on her way and that she would be here to help us while I was in the hospital. I knew it would be a huge help for not only me, but my husband as well. He had been carrying a heavy load and trying to balance my care and work, and it was a lot. Help was on the way though!

The team of doctors’ confirmed the findings and all agreed that a c-section at 34-36 weeks would be best and with a team of surgeons in the room ready to act. Along with this the doctor told us that it would be best to plan on the hysterectomy while they are in there to avoid the risk of losing too much blood and causing major health implications. This part was the most shocking I believe. When Evan arrived home we discussed the news and had a talk about what this meant for future children. We both agreed that we trust in our team of doctors’ and that mine and babies health and safety come first. We never imagined we would be blessed with this baby, so we are going to count those blessings and pray for the best.

I spent the next few days with Tina washing, folding and preparing for Nora so that things would be semi together before I went into the hospital. She took amazing care of us and set things up so that once my Mom arrived, we could organize things and finish up. Again, I don’t know what I’d do without her friendship and support. Saturday rolled around and my Mom got in and I had never been more excited to see her. We had dinner Saturday night and spent Mother’s Day Sunday at the in-laws house. My father in law cooked up an amazing meal (as always) and we spent time in the pool. Couldn’t have asked for a better Mother’s Day or last weekend of freedom before the long hospital stay we were about to embark on.

Monday my Mom busted her butt getting the rest of Nora’s clothes washed, folded and put away. She literally spent the entire day running around and it gave me so much relief knowing we were leaving the following day, but everything would be ready for us when we get home. We also packed hospital bags for us both and then finished the evening off with a nice dinner out with Evan. I knew leaving for the hospital and being gone for 4-6 weeks was going to be hard, but reality was beginning to sink in. The relief of having my Mom at the hospital with me was huge, but I was sad knowing I’d be away from my husband and our fur babies so long. But, I knew in my heart that I was going to be where I needed to be to ensure mine and Nora’s safety.

Tuesday we got checked into the hospital and my mom got us settled in. Our room was tiny but she made us right at home. We ventured out that afternoon to the cafeteria and soaked in some sunlight with Evan before he headed back home. I had bloodwork done & monitoring began on our sweet girl. Every 8 hours I had someone coming to monitor her and to check for contractions. To say the least, I didn’t get much sleep that first night and woke up the next morning stressing about hospital bills and things out of my control. When they did my next stress test they noticed I had 3 small contractions, but was told anything under 6 was okay for now. I knew I needed to stop worrying and remember that it’s out of my hands.

We spent the morning having coffee with a couple new friends who were also admitted at the same hospital for their pregnancies. Both ladies were also from Temecula and a mutual friend linked us up. They both had been at this hospital for weeks so they had some great advice and insight. After our visit we spoke with the nursing staff about moving us to a larger room and to our surprise they did right away. We joked about being upgraded to the penthouse suite. 😂 Although I would much rather be at home, we are making the best of this stay. My mom has been a huge help already, and I cannot thank her enough for her love and support during this time. I may be 31, but I certainly need my Momma right now.

We have a long 4-6 weeks ahead, but I am staying positive and optimistic. Our sweet baby girl will be here before we know it. Continue to send us good thoughts and prayers as we try to keep her baking as long as possible! 💕

28.5 weeks and counting…

5/4/19- 28.5 weeks

Going into our specialist appointment this month was not as planned… we should know this by now! We saw a new specialist, one that everyone said was not a fan favorite. Turns out we absolutely loved him despite other’s opinions. We got a lot of new information, and was very unexpected. I am still trying to process it all to be honest.

I apparently have placenta accreta, which means the placenta is growing together with my uterus. Likely I’ll be admitted to Mary Birch hospital in San Diego no later than 32 weeks, pending no changes. They will be taking her by c-section there at 34 weeks or sooner, all depending on the next few weeks. The new finding is one that had they not found, major bleeding could have occurred during a normal c-section. The doctor took time and really made sure we understood the situation, pushed to have us moved to one of the best hospitals, arranged to have the top surgeons in the room in case of an emergency and has started a plan to hopefully prevent any complications. Before we left he wrote down his cell phone number and told us to call him with any questions that may arise. We headed out feeling overwhelmed, yet thankful for his expertise.

On the plus side, Nora is doing excellent. We got to see her up close and got tons of photos of her. That is my absolute favorite part about these visits. Her sweet little face and tiny hands melt this momma’s heart. One thing is for sure… she got her daddy’s feet. Her second toe is longer than her big toe, and it was clear as day on the ultrasound. Hopefully she gets some of his other, more desirable traits as well. Either way, we know she will be perfect just the way she is and we are eager to hold her in our arms.

In preparation for what’s to come, we have lots of appointments next week to fully assess the situation and to get a better plan in place. On top of that, nesting is in full swing and I am ready to have things set in case the plan shifts again. The Daddy-do list is long, but we are making head way. Her nursery is almost done, I’ve ordered the essentials for my hospital bag, our friends and family are on call to jump in to action if needed. Whatever is thrown our way, we got this!

I’ve said this before, but nothing about this pregnancy has gone as we planned. At times that really frustrates me. But, when I step back and look at the big picture I am thankful. Thankful for a healthy baby, the world’s best husband, loving and supportive friends and family who have really stepped up and for receiving the best care possible from top doctors. There’s so much I could dwell on, but I am choosing to be positive and grateful. The line “you make plans then you hear God laughing” from the Thomas Rhett song is on a loop in my brain. 😂 I am handing it over, and realize it’s out of my control.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers for the weeks to come. Our precious miracle baby is going to be here before too long, and we are holding onto hope that she stays put long enough to grow some more and get stronger! 💕

24 Weeks- Viability

When I was placed on bed rest, our first goal was to get to 24 weeks… aka the viability point in the pregnancy. For those who have not experienced complications in pregnancy, this is a terrifying thing to even have to think about. Our specialist explained to us that if I were to have another major bleed or more complications prior to 24 weeks, doctors would only be concerned with saving my life, not the life of our growing child. Anything under 24 weeks is considered not viable, meaning that the baby would likely not make it if she happened to come early. I put it in my head right away that I was going to take this pregnancy in small strides and set small goals to keep me focused on what is most important, a healthy baby. We hit 24 weeks last Tuesday, and to us that is a huge milestone and one thing to mark off the list.


We had an appointment last week, and as usual, I was excited to see our baby’s growth and to see if any changes had occurred. The specialist that we saw this time was one we had never seen before, in fact she was new to the practice. When she entered the room, asked a few questions then proceeded to tell us what she saw on the ultrasound. The baby had not moved up at all from the last time, which meant that I still had complete placenta previa going on, but she has continued to grow right on schedule. There was no mention about the hematoma, so I decided to ask a few questions. She told us that it wasn’t a big concern at this point, but didn’t give us any real indication of if it had grown, stayed the same or shrunk. I also asked questions about my bed rest to get her opinion on the matter. To my surprise she had a very different mindset about bed rest, and went as far as to tell us that she didn’t believe in it. In her words, “studies have not shown bed rest to be an affective way to prevent pregnancy complications.” This was shocking to hear, and me being the eager type that wants to get moving again, wanted that to be true. Thankfully my level-headed husband was in the room to calm my excitement and to ask more questions.

The doctor said that she wouldn’t be surprised if my regular doctor would be mad if she had heard her say that. This statement alone was enough to make me question her judgment. She continued on to tell us that weeks 24-28 are the most important and that I should probably stick to bed rest until the next appointment. She was confusing me and completely contradicted what she had originally said. When we left I was perplexed about what had just happened and had no idea how to digest it. We grabbed lunch and talked about things, and per usual, Evan had wise words and sound advice. Darn him for being so logical.

He told me that we should talk to my regular doctor to get her opinion and to stick to what we had been doing. If I listened to this new doctor and started doing more around the house or went back to work and experienced another bleed, I would not be able to live with myself knowing I was doing something to risk our baby or my own life. If I continued bed rest and experienced a bleed, then I would know that I have done everything in my power to protect our baby and will have no feelings of guilt. As much as I want to go back to work and be free to do things around the house, it is not worth risking anything. We have come too far, invested too much energy and love into this little human to even consider messing that up now.

Bed rest has continued and I saw my regular OB earlier this week. She confirmed that she highly disagrees with what the specialist said, and that we made the right decision to continue with the plan. She explained that too much movement can cause irritation to my cervix and in turn could result in another bleed or cause contractions. The last thing we want at this point is to be put in the hospital to prevent an early delivery. Even though 24 weeks is considered viability, the baby could have major life long issues, and we need to keep her in there as long as possible. We discussed getting things lined up for a planned C-section in early July and ensuring that we have all of our ducks in a row. It’s hard to believe that our little miracle will be here in roughly 3 months or so. Time has passed slowly, but at the same time I can’t believe that we have hit the 6 month mark and she will be here before too long.

On my phone I keep a countdown to important things, or exciting things that are to come. We marked off 24 weeks and at this moment the list consists of the following; 3rd trimester, my Mom coming into town, our baby shower, a tentative c-section date, Nora’s original due date, our 5-year wedding anniversary and Evan’s birthday (this just rolls over each year. I like to plan ahead. I’m a weirdo like that). Looking at these dates on the countdown keep me focused on where we are headed and as the they approach, I get excited. Seems silly, but when you’re stuck at home all day ever day, it is a little something to boost my mood and keep me on track. We have so much to look forward to this year and we are counting our blessings. I’ve got my eyes and heart set on our next big goal, hitting our third trimester. Each day that passes gets us a little closer to being a family of six… yes, I said six. I am counting our three wild dogs.

For now I will keep reading the stack of books that my wonderful friends and family have sent me, putting together puzzles, crafting, writing my book and watching Ellen at 3:00p.m. (I have always loved the Ellen show, but since being put on leave, it has become a highlight of my day and something to look forward to). That woman is hilarious, kind and seeing the positive impact she has on other’s lives just makes me realize there is still good left in this world. Thanks Ellen, for being a reminder to always be kind. Any who, I digress…

As each day passes, I still can’t believe that I am pregnant and that our Pathway to Parenthood has gone this direction. Six months ago I was frustrated with the halt in our foster/adopt process as we were trying to sell our home. At the time I had no idea what was in store for us… but I am sure glad it happened. Just another reminder that everything happens for a reason.


23 weeks


Week 20- The emotional struggle

Another week has passed, and for that we are grateful. The days and weeks are starting to crawl by, even slower than before. Prior to our 19-week scan, I had hope that the “light at the end of the tunnel” was near. My hope had been to return to work and finish out this pregnancy with a little bit of normalcy. After that appointment I believe I was in shock, and the realness of everything really had not sunk in. The first day after the appointment I felt optimistic and was in a good head space for the most part. I knew I had no choice but to accept the decision of our specialist and to make the best of the situation. Later in the week though, the silence around the house, the fear of the unknown and the continued feeling of being alone started to weigh on me. As tension continued to build, my emotions started to take over, and unfortunately, Evan got the brunt of that. My two major meltdowns for the week were rough, and even though I knew it was hormones mixed with stress, I couldn’t contain the feelings.
It is really easy to talk about the good things when you’re pregnant, but discussing the bad and ugly can be a challenge. We spent years dreaming of starting a family, endless nights talking about what it would be like for me to carry our child and copious amounts of money trying to achieve that. Now that we are here, I am plagued with a great deal of guilt for feeling down or sorry for myself due to the circumstances we are in. Don’t get me wrong, I feel beyond blessed and grateful for this pregnancy and our sweet child, I just feel it wouldn’t be fair to only share those warm and fuzzy feelings. It has been my goal since day one to be transparent about our journey, and that is what I plan to continue to do as we progress through this pregnancy and even after.
At this time, my life revolves around sleeping, resting, eating, watching mindless television shows, reading and trying to find some purpose outside of making this small human. Prior to bed rest, I was a busy body that was always on the go. My career, the extra things I did around the community, my friends, family and husband all consumed every second of my days, and I loved that. When I had down time, I took pride in keeping our home clean, making meals for us at night and being the one to ensure that there was some sort of order and structure to our lives so that we could continue doing all that we did. The news in late January that I was being put on bed rest was a huge blow to this rhythm that we had, but I continued to tell myself that it was temporary. Once we found out differently and it sank in that this would be the duration of the pregnancy, the initial excitement of this journey began to dwindle. I am obviously still over the moon happy for this blessing, and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but in the same breath I am down in the dumps at times. When I pictured this pregnancy, I saw myself continuing to excel at work, in my outside activities and in our home. I never dreamed that I would be stuck on the couch, alone with my feelings and with fear of unknown possibilities. 
This all may sound dramatic and some may think that I am being ungrateful. I promise you that I am not. Each day I count my blessings and thank the Lord for this blessing and miracle baby. If given the choice, I would do this 100 times over just to get to our sweet baby girl. There is literally nothing more important at this time to us than to ensure that she stays put, healthy and continues to grow so we can hold her in our arms once she is here. At this point I am taking it one day at a time, trying to stay positive and focus on the end goal… A healthy little baby girl. 
Being alone with your thoughts for long periods of time can really take a toll. I am left alone in the house for 10-12 hours a day to battle the thoughts and what ifs that arise. When I say that I am lonely, I mean that in a sense that I am literally here by myself with lots of “activities,” but no real purpose except to keep this bundle of joy growing and healthy, which is a huge task and one that I take very seriously. At the end of the day my hard-working husband makes his way home from a 10-12-hour day, exhausted and ready to wind down. On the other hand, I am eager for him to walk through the door so we can chat and so that I can have some real interaction. He is tasked with taking care of me, keeping our house in order, cooking meals and basically everything that I am unable to do. To say that it overwhelms him would be an understatement. He is doing all that he can and doing a great job, but it certainly takes away from the down time we used to have together to enjoy each other’s company. For these reasons, I often feel a sense of loneliness that I have never felt before in the 9 years that we have been together, which leads to meltdowns that are irrational and unnecessary, yet unavoidable due to the rush of hormones. Some days I am able to stay overly optimistic and happy which is exactly what me, this baby and my husband all need. I just need to find a way to maintain that as much as possible so that we can push through the last half of this pregnancy. 
I have learned a few really valuable things through this process so far. Things that I never had the time to think about before. The first lesson is that life brings new seasons that can shake us to the core, but if willing to slow down and look at the big picture, can bring positive and beautiful change. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and although I am not entirely sure what the reason for this rocky road is at this time, I know that we will come out on the other side stronger than ever. We have been faced with a lot of difficult situations over the past 9 years as a couple, some of the most difficult in the past 4 years around fertility, but we always find a way to get through and to build on these lessons to better ourselves and our relationship. I am truly blessed to have a husband who is logical, understanding, loving, caring and truly my best friend. We see relationships around us failing every day, but we have vowed to fight for what we have, always communicate and to support one another through all of the ups and downs thrown our way. Our relationship is far from perfect and we have our days, but I know that this process and any other challenges we are faced with are preparing us for our future family and life. 
The other major lesson that I have learned is that it is okay to ask for help. The first few weeks being stuck on bed rest I was ashamed to ask for help and support, I had never really been faced with something that required me to do so. Friends, family and co-workers rallied around us by bringing food, showing up to help around the house and forcing me to accept the fact that this was going to be the new reality that I had to face to protect myself and the baby. Asking for help does not mean that one is weak, in fact, having the courage to ask for help is just the opposite. When we are vulnerable and let our pride go, we are able to lean on those around us to ensure we are able to do what is necessary and move forward. I truly think this is a lesson that I needed before becoming a first-time mom. I preach it to the women around me all the time who have children, yet I had never been faced with this predicament myself. When we bring our sweet baby home, I feel I will now be able to reach out to our tribe for help and guidance, but prior to this experience, I may not have been able to. 
Although things have been difficult, I am making sure I step back and take a look at the big picture along the way. These life lessons are important and will provide a strong foundation for our family in the years to come. I joked with Evan the other day saying that nothing about our journey has been easy, so I am not sure why we thought this pregnancy would be any different. For whatever reason, we have had to fight from day one, but that hasn’t stopped us. One day we will look back at these moments and remember them as a small fraction of time that got us to our dream… the beautiful family that we have fought so hard for all of these years.

19 week scan & update

Yesterday we had our 19 week anatomy scan with our perinatal doctor. Since being put on bed rest 4.5 weeks ago, we have had no idea where things stood with this pregnancy. Thankfully we had the opportunity to see our baby with an ultrasound a couple weeks ago, so we at least knew she was still in there and active, but it didn’t feel like enough. Per usual, I didn’t sleep well the night before in anticipation of the appointment.

The appointment started off as we expected with the full anatomy scan. We saw every inch of her sweet 10 oz. body and she was active as can be. She kept putting her hands up to her face and everything about her was perfect and adorable. Once that was complete they checked where she was located since we knew she had been on my cervix previously. This part was not what we expected and left us worried.

Baby girl is located directly on my cervix and the specialist thinks she’s not going any where. Normally when someone has placenta previa the baby will favor a side and can migrate up with time. To our surprise she is right in the middle and chances of her moving are slim to none. The doctor explained that I have to stay on bed rest the remainder of my pregnancy and reduce any chance of causing additional bleeding. Any active bleeding could be detrimental to me and her. This was a hard pill to swallow, because it has been a struggle being stuck at home all this time. I’m a busy body and I want to be back at work and be able to go places, but I know this is what is necessary. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep our baby girl safe and healthy.

We had lots of questions and still do. The doctor said the hope is to make it to 24 weeks with no bleeding (obviously hoping for much longer than that, but at least 24 weeks). If I have any additional bleeding then they will admit me to the hospital to try to keep things under control and keep both of us safe. In the meantime I am remaining on the couch, keeping calm and praying for a full pregnancy with no more hiccups.

If everything goes smoothly and she remains on my cervix, then we will schedule a c-section around 37 weeks to avoid any further issues. All of this was a lot to take in and all sounds so scary at this point. I am feeling very optimistic though and know that we can do what is necessary to keep her safe and growing as she should. I have faith in my body, her, and this journey.

Each week that passes will be a huge milestone, so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move forward! This baby girl is a fighter and we will fight to keep her safe, one day at a time! 💕💞

16 week update

Today we hit 16 weeks!!!!!! 

We had a regular OB appointment to check up on our baby girl. Since being in the ER we have had no additional follow ups, so I have been worried. Last night I didn’t sleep well in anticipation for this appointment. I wanted to hear her, see her and feel a sense of peace that everything is going how it should.

We arrived early to the appointment, mainly because I was eager and had been up for hours before! 😬 They checked us in and took me back quickly, which is rare. Benefits of taking the first appointment of the day. Haha. When the nurse placed us in the room I asked if they would be performing an ultrasound. I had hoped that they might since we had a few scares, but to my surprise, they weren’t going to. I was furious.

When the doctor came in she explained that my doctor had reviewed my files from the ER & that today all they were doing was the fetal heartbeat. We had lots of questions, because that’s how we both are. She informed us that they believe my bleeding had been caused by the placenta previa, not the hematoma like we had originally thought. She explained that the previa would cause the bright red blood and can cause large amounts. With that said, bed rest continues.

They said I am able to start slowly moving about the house more, but to be careful and to watch for more blessing. I know how I am and I am an all or nothing person, so I’m glad my dad will be here to keep me in check while Evan is in Jamaica. I also promised Evan I will not change up my routine until he returns, the last thing either of us want is an issue while he’s away. 

We were happy to hear baby girl’s heartbeat and the doctor said it sounds strong. The next appointment is with our perinatal doctor on February 26th. I am now eager for that appointment because they will perform a full anatomy scan. Evan will be there with me this time to see her and see just how perfect she is. These scans are so fun… they show us her hands, arms, legs, feet, face and blood pumping through her little body. Technology amazes me! I can’t wait for her daddy to see her. He will love it! 

Until then I am on bed rest and will be through March 1st. Our appointment on the 26th will determine how the placenta previa looks and if it’s safe to return to work. This month should fly by with my dad here for over a week, my mom coming right after and Evan returning from his trip. I am so thankful and grateful that my parents were both able to come out and help this month. Having each of them here for some time is good for my heart and soul! 

Please keep all of the good vibes and prayers coming.. they are working! Keep growing baby girl. Mommy and Daddy love you SO much! 💕💕