Halloween will never be the same…

One year ago yesterday our lives felt like they had been turned upside-down. We had gone through our second round of stims for IVF and they retrieved 11 eggs. That number was high for me, so we had been extremely excited. If you have followed our story you saw the outcome. If you didn’t, here is the short version… 

After the long 7 days of waiting for updates on how many eggs fertilized, we had been through a roller coaster of emotions. Day 3 they said one had made it and likely no others would. Our hearts were breaking. Day 5 they said magically we had 5 total and they were thinking one other might make it. We popped champagne that night in celebration and waited for news about genetic testing (I have Myotonic Dystrophy). On October 31st, 2017 I was at work in a meeting and got the call. I rushed out in excitement only to find out that all 5 were unusable and had genetic abnormalities. 😢

I remember feeling as though my world was collapsing around me, but I couldn’t cry yet. I went back into my meeting, heard nothing from the last part of it and rushed out the door. Once I got in the car I lost it. I cried so hard I could barely see. I wanted so bad to call Evan right then, but I had to gather myself. I planned to wait and tell him when he got home, but when he called me, I lost it all over again. I remember him telling me to calm down, pull over and get it together so I could drive home safely. I did the best I could and managed to get home.

I immediately broke down sobbing uncontrollably when I walked in the door and he pulled me in to hug me. We both curled up in bed and I continued to cry like never before. Suddenly he started to talk about things and I could hear it in his voice how hurt he was feeling too. I felt horrible that I hadn’t even thought about how he was feeling in that moment as I lost my mind crying and he was consoling me. He had been so calm and collected, and held it all together for me. Even though I had endured the physical part of the process, he was fully invested in all of it with me. 

If you haven’t already realized it, my husband is absolutely amazing. No matter what’s going on he is the voice of reason and my rock! I have no clue how I got so lucky, but I certainly won the lottery finding him! We laid there for awhile talking about things, and he continued to remind me that it wasn’t the end of our journey. ❤️ 

That night we turned off our porch light, left candy out for the neighborhood trick or treaters and hid away. Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays to celebrate and have fun, but the scars from last year have lingered. It may never be the same for us, but I know in time we will have our own kiddos and find joy in it again! 

IVF was a terrifying ride, and the outcome was earth shattering. We sunk a lot of time, money and emotion into the process and came out on the other side with a few things (certainly not what we had hoped for). On the bright side we learned so much about ourselves, our relationship and what truly matters. Many couples crumble during infertility battles, and I can completely understand why, but not us. We took each hurdle and held on to one another as tight as possible. 

In conclusion, we mapped out plan B and have moved forward. Our ultimate goal in this life is to have a family and be happy. We will get there one way or another! ❤️ 

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