Making the best of every moment!

95D9E442-2B05-4063-888C-94F0D430BFA2The past year and half was filled with so many ups and downs. We are currently in limbo (as we have been since late October of 2017), which is frustrating. But, we have learned so much through our experiences since starting our journey and we are finding peace in the moment.

One day at work I accidentally word vomited on my HR person and blurted out that we are doing IVF treatment and it’s so costly. She replied that our company had recently picked up infertility treatment and that I should look into the coverage. Wow, game changer. At that time we had just begun the process of using an egg donor who happens to be one of my very best friends. She is one of the most kind, selfless people that I’ve ever met. After a few calls we found out that using an egg donor was not going to be covered but I would be covered if I was willing to go through the process again. I am afraid, but hopeful and I know this was all meant to be. The plan is much bigger than just us and we trust that it will be successful!

We are spending countless days and hours on the phone with insurance and clinics in Southern California to find the right one. At this moment we are finding that most in-network clinics use surgery centers for egg retrieval and implantation (one of the most expensive parts of IVF treatment), and we would have to pay out of pocket for that. My insurance is AMAZING and covers 100% with very little limitations including meds and potentially genetic testing for the embryos. WOW! Now we just have to be patient and find the best place to go to utilize our coverage.

Yesterday on our way home from another short weekend getaway we had a moment of reflection of this journey so far. Last year was so difficult waiting for the process to begin and hoping in 9 months we would have our precious baby that we so badly want. We put our lives on hold and didn’t plan anything because we “just knew it was coming.”

We have decided this year we will not waste time waiting… Instead we will plan our lives and enjoy every moment while we push forward for our miracle baby. 2018 might not be our year for this… But we are making the best of every moment along the way. Our pathway to parenthood has been one filled with twists and turns, but it’s ours and we will embrace it! ❤️

2018 is our year!

96B1332E-06F9-405F-893F-114B71C00162.jpegHappy New Year!!

Well, it has been awhile since I blogged so I figured I would give an update. After a roller coaster ride in 2017 of finding out about my fertility issues, discovering I have Myotonic Dystrophy, two attempts at egg retrieval, and one successful retrieval that resulted in no viable embryos, my husband and I were exhausted. After we found out on Halloween that our embryos were not viable we decided we needed to regroup mentally, emotionally and financially. We decided that the holidays would be spent enjoying our marriage and friends and family! ❤️

During that time we spent a lot of time weighing options and talking about next steps. We knew we wanted to try again, but we weren’t certain what that looked like exactly. We spoke with our specialist about the option of an egg donor, but the cost for the process, plus paying the donor was astronomical! Yet again, another blow to the gut when seeing the numbers. That led us to our next plan.

We have spent a great amount of time and energy on this topic and we feel we have come to an option that may work. Knowing what we know now, we do realize that no matter what route is taken, it will not be easy and smooth sailing as we had originally hoped. With that being said, we are hopeful and ready to embark on our next journey!

I must say that we are beyond blessed by the love and support of our friends and family. Our families have been very receptive to everything we have shared and our friends have been there to laugh and cry with us along the way. There is one person in particular that I will not name, that has been my saving grace. She knows what I’m going through, has experienced similar battles and has continued to guide me through this process. For her, I am forever grateful! She gives me hope!

Details to follow… But in the meantime please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we gather everything we need to get started on this pathway! 2018 is going to be our year, I just know it!  💙💜💗🌈

Expect the Unexpected…

Halloween… A day filled with fun and candy right?! Well, normally that is the case, but not this year. I was in a meeting at work when I received a call that had a Del Mar area code. I raced out of my meeting knowing that it could be the lab with our results from genetic testing on the five embryos. As I suspected, it was. A lady named Linda told me she was calling with results and my heart began to race. I had my fingers crossed and a smile was stretched across my face.

What she said next was completely unexpected. She told me that all five embryos came back with abnormalities and that none were viable. My heart sank and the smile that was plastered to my face quickly went away. I told her that certainly wasn’t the news I was expecting, and she apologized. I hung up and felt like I was in a bad dream. I left all of my belongings in the meeting and knew I couldn’t interrupt and walk out. I had to keep it together.

I went back into the meeting and to be totally honest I have no idea what happened the last 20 minutes. I was choking back tears and trying not to think about what had just happened. The meeting finally concluded and I rushed off to pick up signs for an event. I didn’t want to call Evan until I had completed my work because I knew once I heard his voice I was going to lose it. I grabbed the signs and then started towards home. The call to my love, was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I called and he answered having no idea that I had received news. I explained to him what the lady at the lab had told me and I burst into tears. I could hardly see to drive and I felt as though my world was crashing down around me. He told me to stay calm, stay off my phone and we would talk when I got home. The tears wouldn’t stop and my chest felt tight. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I was having a heart attack. It hurt so bad to think about losing our five precious embryos.

I walked in the door and was greeted by 3 happy dogs. I pushed past them and my husband took me in his arms and I sobbed. I could not wrap my head around the fact that they all had abnormalities. How can that be?!? 😪 We crawled into bed and I cried some more while Evan laid there rubbing my back. It dawned on me after awhile that he must be crushed too, and that I had not even asked what he was feeling. I felt like a horrible wife in that moment. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he wanted more information. It wasn’t fair for them to call, drop that information on us and give us no details. I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting, but he was trying to be strong for me. He’s my rock and I cannot put into words how much I appreciate him. Since it was after hours, the waiting continued. Something that is all too common in the IVF process.

The next day we had a call scheduled with our specialist, but we decided we wanted to have the conversation in person. We both took a mental health day from work and decided we needed to regroup. We started our morning off with breakfast at our favorite place then we headed down to Del Mar to get the details. We arrived early, clearly eager for information. Unfortunately the specialist got stuck in the OR and was almost an hour behind. 🙄 So, the waiting continued. Thankfully my goofy husband kept me laughing. He was asking Alexa to tell us jokes…. In the specialist’s office! 😂

She finally came in and explained the results, but she told us she only knows surface details and that we would need to contact our genetic counselor. Three out of the five embryos came back with Myotonic Dystrophy, one had clear (unknown) abnormalities and number five was determined to “probably” have abnormalities. She explained to us that embryos can be mosaic, which means there are some abnormal cells but not enough to determine if it is “good” or “bad.” To say the least, I feel just as lost as I did when we got the call. I had thought about many possibilities while waiting for the call, but never imagined this outcome. I told him husband he was stuck with just plain ol’ me for awhile longer… His reply: “that’s okay, that’s what I signed up for.” 😍😉 I just love him. This morning I also woke up to a good morning text, he reminded me to keep my head up and that our journey is not over.

My favorite TV show is Big Brother… The famous line from the show is “Expect the Unexpected.” I also feel that this should be the theme for IVF warriors. Nothing goes as planned.. Any who, I digress.

Today, we will be calling to schedule with the genetic counselor. We are hoping to get some clarification.

With all of that said, our hearts have been ripped out and shattered. We were so optimistic and had high hopes for our five little fighters. On the way home we talked about possible next steps, knowing that we still needed way more information to make a sound decision. As usual, we were on the same page. I told him my thoughts and feelings about things and he told me he was thinking the same thing. My husband truly is amazing, in case I haven’t told you enough! 😉

We have a wonderful support system and we are so thankful for all of the love and prayers from those around us. Our journey is no where close to over, and unfortunately we will probably hit a few more speed bumps, but together we can overcome anything that comes our way. We are weighing out all of our options, trying to figure out the financial portion and we are 100% sure we will be parents, no matter how the path looks.

We all have our journey… But you’re never alone!

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, more than usual. With everything that we have going on with our Pathway to Parenthood, I look around and see so many others fighting the same or a similar battle. It blows my mind just how many women I know that have opened up and shared their stories.

*Two friends of mine, around the same time frame had failed IUI’s and both were devastated and left questioning their faith.

*Another friend who faced unexplained infertility recently found out she actually has PCOS, and that was something she feels could have been addressed.

*I have a friend who went through IVF and is now facing a rare illness with her sweet baby.

*One friend who was diagnosed with PCOS and lost her first precious angel but now is healthy and pregnant!

*A friend who has gone through multiple rounds of the egg retrieval process and up until this last one, had 0 viable embryos. Now she’s waiting for implantation!

*A sweet friend who had one unsuccessful round of IUI and expected to start round two but found out that a cyst had ruptured and it is delaying it. Waiting is the hardest part of the journey!!

The moral of the story here is that there are SO many women struggling around me. My heart aches for each of them! There are no words that can fix the hurt that they are all facing or have faced, but I hope that they feel that they are never alone. Infertility can make you feel alone and helpless, even when surrounded by tons of people. Many do not understand the physical, mental and emotional battles that are faced on the journey to Parenthood, but for those who do… Please reach out, hug and help a fellow parent-to-be and make this world a better place! 💗

We will all have our own unique journey but the one thing that we have in common is that no matter what the pathway may be, we will be Mothers someday!! ❤️ 💗💙🌈

We have little fighters! 💙💗🌈

After egg retrieval there is a six day waiting period. The updates come every other day for the first few then you get a call or email day five and six. Up until day five we had been feeling really good about our numbers and how things were going. Sunday 10/22, we got the day five email and our hearts sank. I had been hiking with girlfriends and when we got back into a service area I saw that it had come through.

My eyes started to swell up with tears but my best gal pal told me not to stress and to stay positive. She had been through the IVF process so she knows how important it is to stay positive and not to get wrapped up in the “what if’s.” I kept it together and went home to talk it out with my voice of reason, Mr. Wonderful! ♥️

When I got home we talked some about how bummed we were and he gave me one of his healing hugs. 😉 He truly gives the best hugs! The email we received stated that two embryos had made it to early blastocyst and six had not continued to develop. We decided we wanted to speak to someone in the lab to find out the probability of those other six embryos making it. Much like the gut wrenching feeling I got when I initially read the email, I got it again. The lady stated that they were hoping the two in early blastocyst stage would continue to develop but said it was “very unlikely that the other six would make it to blastocyst.”

How could this be happening?!? Just two days before we had found out that we had eight embryos growing! 😢 We spent the evening feeling defeated and reading numerous stories of other couples experiences with this. There were a couple encouraging posts about slow embryos making it to blastocyst, but not many. I joked and told Evan that they were the girl embryos and that they just take forever to get ready. Evan joked that maybe 10-23 (the date on day six when it’s the final numbers) is a sign and that the two would make it plus three more and we would have five! It was all wishful thinking.

This morning was day six and I woke up nervous and anxious for our final update. Evan asked the lab to call him instead of me and I was thankful for that. I wasn’t sure my heart could handle the news. I was headed to a doctor’s appointment when I got a text from Evan asking if I could talk. My heart sank in fear that he had received news that would break us. He called and he stumbled over his words a little and said “well, the two made it… And two others did too!” Tears of joy began pouring down my cheeks! I was in disbelief. I probably asked him if he was serious ten times! 😭😭😭 Later in the day we got even crazier news… A fifth one had caught up and decided to become our fifth little embryo!!! 😍

We both are over the moon excited, and we are TRULY grateful that this miracle happened. We have had tons of people praying and sending us good vibes, and we hope they continue to come. Now we have a 10-14 day wait for the genetic testing to come back. It’s going to be some of the longest days of our lives! One thing I do know, is that WE HAVE FIGHTERS! ❤️💙💗🌈

Many have been asking when we plan to implant and that is down the road. I still have to have a minor procedure and the time needs to be right. I started a new job and we need to make sure we are in a good place before we take that next step. We will certainly keep you updated as things progress!

Thank you ALL for the love and support! ❤️

The waiting game

When it comes to IVF the entire journey is a waiting game. First you wait to find out if you have fertility issues, then you wait for an appointment with a specialist, then you wait to start step one (stims), then you wait for egg retrieval, and then the real waiting game begins. This might be the hardest part so far. I would take the injections over waiting to find out how many viable embryos we will have.

After egg retrieval you have to wait 6 days. Doesn’t seem like much right?!? WRONG! It has been the longest 6 days of my life. Day one we got news that they had retrieved 13 eggs & 7 had fertilized. We were happy with this number. Day 3, we found out we actually had 8, one of the little ones decided they wanted to catch up and participate! 😉 Today was day 5 and we received news that we didn’t particularly like. We have one more day of this waiting game to get our final numbers.

I’m hoping and praying that we get what we need to be successful in this journey. Lots of people say, it only takes one to grow your family. We hope that ONE is healthy and that our waiting games are over. I know we will experience hiccups, but man… This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Come on baby Farnum, we wish you were here! ❤️

Team #KnockUpNicole

E7F20823-ECFA-4C12-A724-3AC1DE8B4545I’ve been very vocal about my infertility journey, and hopefully it will help some others who may be struggling. I some how forgot to blog about the gesture that my wonderful friends made for me a little while back. My squad consists of Jenn, Tina, Sarah and Tiffany and they have been a huge support system. I am not sure what I’d do without them! ♥️

We decided to have a get together for a UFC fight at Jenn’s house and they all snuck off. I started to get a little offended until I realized they were cooking something fun up! They all called me in another room and they were wearing #KnockUpNicole shirts! 😍 It brought tears to my eyes seeing them all standing there wearing their shirts and they got me one too.

One of our squad members underwent IVF treatment and it was successful! I had not grown close to the ladies when they went with her and wore shirts to cheer her on, but I was there the day of the birth. These women are beyond amazing, and I am so blessed to have them in my corner!

Unfortunately the picture is missing Tiff, but we will get another one soon! Ladies, thank you for being so kind and supportive. I love you guys oh so much! ♥️ Hoping team #KnockUpNicole will have a huge win in the near future!!!!!

The waiting game begins….

Nicole-ERIt has been a long time since I last blogged, and for various different reasons. The past couple months have been a whirlwind and my emotions have been all over the board. Since learning that we had fertility issues I have experienced ups and downs mentally. Typically they are most intense when hearing or seeing others announce their pregnancy. I know, how selfish of me right? 😦 Trust me, I would never wish infertility on any other couples, but it sure does hit me in the gut when I want it to happen so bad for us, and I see it happening all around. I am just reminding myself over and over that things are happening this way for a reason. There is a much bigger plan for us then I could ever know or dream of. Patience is something I struggle with but I am aware of it and trying to balance it out.

 

After learning that I had MMD we made the decision to test each embryo that we get for the gene mutation. We are still so blown away with how amazing science is these days! The test was created and the next step was approaching fast. We ordered copious amounts of injectable medications and waited for the doctor to give us the go ahead. The day finally came, and it just so happened to be the week that I was starting my new job at Southwest Healthcare. I knew that I would be under some stress, but figured I could keep it under control. As most of us know, stress is a beast that can be hard to manage.

 

Our first night of injections was stressful. I thought I had prepared us properly, but quickly I realized that I hadn’t. I worked late that night and rushed home to get started before Evan was off to bed. We pulled out our directions (notes I had taken) as well as the meds and I noticed that we did not have alcohol wipes. Ugh! How could I forget that?!? Of course, superman suggested that we use some vodka… he reassured me that all would be just fine. Haha. Injections were not as bad as I had expected, but they still weren’t fun. The days passed and I had appointments every other day to monitor progress. On day nine I left my appointment and went to work as usual. That afternoon I received a call from my Doctor and I knew that something was wrong. She asked if I had been under a lot of stress and explained that things weren’t going as well as she had hoped considering my age and my overall health. Sitting at my desk, it took everything in me not to break down and cry. I knew that I was stressed, and for good reasons, but I felt like I had failed. She told me that we should terminate the cycle to save some money on medications, and that we would start back up soon. I decided I needed to leave work and head home. I called Evan in tears and he told me to just come home and not to worry. We would figure it all out.

 

I walked through the door and busted into tears as he hugged me and rubbed my back. He told me that everything was fine, and that we would try again. I felt as though we had wasted time and money, and it was my fault for not managing my stress. We laid down in bed and I cried for a while, Evan just kept reminding me that it was okay, that we would get there. As the days passed I decided that I needed to make some changes to better prepare myself for the next round. I started taking walks with friends and also downloaded an app call HeadSpace! It is a meditation app that really explains how to meditate properly and how to manage emotions. I spent time each morning doing this, and it truly made a huge difference in my mood! I also set up an appointment with a foster-adopt company in our area just to learn about it and see what our options are. Even though I am certain our IVF journey will be successful, I wanted that reassurance. Plus, we will more than likely foster or adopt in the future regardless of our outcome with this process. Now that I had things in order, I felt as though I was ready and Dr. Chuan called us with next steps.

 

I was put on Testosterone cream, and that made me quite moody. I must admit, I flipped a guy off in a parking lot for honking at me!! Oh man… that is so unlike me!!! But, I continued to meditate and figured the doctor knew what was best. Next we were told to order more medications (holy cow, the amount they charge should be illegal!!). We prepared better this time and we were ready to jump back in.

 

Injections the second time around were much more manageable. I felt like round one prepared us and that we had it all under control this time. The days came and went and as I went to appointments I kept getting good news. This round was going much better and we were beyond excited. We had our final appointment on a Sunday in Del Mar (the main office), and they scheduled us for egg retrieval two days later. That night we had to use a trigger shot, but it had to be done at a particular time to be sure they could retrieve the eggs on Tuesday. Our alarm clock went off at 12:30a.m. and we were up and ready to trigger! Tuesday rolled around and we were so excited we could hardly stand it. We woke up early and headed to Del Mar for my procedure.

 

Once we arrived at the clinic I was taken back and instructed to get into a beautiful outfit. It consisted of a fun print gown, a robe, a hair net and non-slip socks! 🙂  Evan and I wore our lucky socks that we had made that said, “Retrieve, believe, conceive.” I left them on under my other socks just for extra good vibes. The nurse that was walking us through the process was so sweet. Her name was Cory and I truly feel like she is an angel. She was calm and optimistic, and kept us laughing. After the procedure I felt pretty good and we were told they got 13 eggs. We had honestly hoped for more, but the doctor told us she was very happy with that number. We weren’t there very long after, and Cory gave us both hugs and wished us luck. Our experience was wonderful.

 

Now the waiting game begins… We will get an update today on how many eggs fertilized and then for the next week or so we will get updates every other day. After that, they will send our precious embryos off for MMD testing! The time is going to creep by waiting for updates, but until then we will keep our fingers and toes crossed! ❤ ❤ ❤

Nothing worth having comes easy! ❤️

After the shock of finding out we would have to do IVF to start a family, we made our decision. Never in a million years did I imagine that this was something we would face. With that being said, I am so thankful that my husband is the man he is. He is the most loving, supportive and caring man that I’ve ever known. Evan is my best friend, my soul mate, and truly the center of my entire world! ❤️ Together we can overcome anything.

A couple days after our consultation we contacted the fertility clinic, and informed them that we wanted to move forward. To our surprise, everything started moving very fast. The next day we had a full calendar with dates, instructions and information on the process. We had a meeting to learn about the medications, how to order them and how to use them. It was very overwhelming for me, but Mr. Wonderful was there with a pen in hand and paper to take notes. Just like that, we were on our way to starting our family. Or so we thought…

The clinic sent both of us for a blood draw to test us for the most common genetic disorders. A week after, I had a scheduled phone appointment with a genetic counselor to discuss our results and to go over family history. I was driving to work during this call and everything came back fine from our blood tests. The counselor asked lots of questions about family history, and finally she said, “last question… Does muscular dystrophy run in yours or Evan’s family?” I informed her that my father had been diagnosed with Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy (MMD1), a few years prior, and various other family members have it too. She went on to tell me that I had a 50% chance of having it since my father did, and in turn, our children would have a 50% chance too. Yet again, a bomb was dropped on me and my world came crashing down. I was scared. All I could think was, there is NO way I have Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I had completed multiple Ragnar races over the past few years, I was training for a full marathon and I worked out and lifted weights with no issues. She gave me details on getting tested and wished me luck. We postponed our IVF process to get this testing done, not knowing it would take FOREVER! 😩

Just for the record, this is the abbreviated version.. This would take 3 days to read if I included all of the insanity we went through! 😉

The next 3 months were a nightmare dealing with my incompetent doctor and insurance company. I battled with my primary care physician about getting a referral and when I finally did, she ordered the wrong test. I got a normal blood panel. I went back in and let her know and I asked to be sent back for the right test. She then proceeded to tell me I needed prior authorization from my insurance company. I battled that for a month and a half. I finally got it approved (not easily, that’s a whole other story) and had my blood drawn. I waited 21 days to get my results and called to find out they were in!

I logged in and opened my patient portal, only to find it was just the cover page. It said “normal,” but had no details. At the bottom it said “report sent separate.” I did a walk in to pick up the results, I was tired of waiting. I ran into my doctor and I mentioned I wanted the full report. Her response was, “it says normal, you are probably good.” I told her I still wanted to see it all. For 4 days I called back and forth asking them to request the report, since the lab wouldn’t release it directly to me. Finally it got posted.. But only because I was persistent. I read through it and realized that the genes that they need to test for Myotonic dystrophy were not listed. Just the genes for normal muscular dystrophy.

I set an appointment with my doctor to review them and went in. Had I not known what I needed, they would have sent me on my way with inaccurate results. How frustrating!! Lesson learned, you are the only one that can advocate for your own health. Do your research and don’t take a doctor’s word on everything. Thankfully I spoke to a genetic counselor on the phone and she told me exactly what test I needed. The Nurse Practitioner in my doctor’s office was a saving grace and got it all fixed and I would have the correct results in a week. To say the least, that was the longest week of my life.

I was getting my hair colored when I got a call from the Nurse Practitioner. He knew I had been through a lot, so he asked if I wanted results over the phone or to come in. Thinking that I was fine, I asked for the results. Right then another HUGE life bomb was dropped on me. I have MMD1. It took everything in me not to cry right there in the salon. How could that be right? I am healthy, active and have no symptoms. I rushed home after my appointment and cried on my husband’s shoulder, feeling so confused and afraid. His response, “it’s okay babe, we’ve got this. We will figure it all out, and you’re healthy.” All I could think about was that my future children would have a 50% chance of inheriting this, and what did it mean for me down the road? Would I be sick? Would I be a burden to my husband and family? It was all too much to take in. With this news, I knew that it would throw a wrench into our IVF process. After calming down, I called to inform the clinic.

We had been in conversation with the clinic and they let us know that even if I had the disorder, we could test for it! Wow… Science is insane!! They also informed us, the price tag was large, but it was possible. We gathered all of the information, did some research and decided that we still wanted to move forward. It took 8 weeks to create the genetic test, but we now can prevent passing it on. After all of the hell we had experienced over a 6 month span, we finally understood “why.” It is a blessing in disguise that we were not able to get pregnant naturally. We learned that if it was passed on, our child could die before age one. With Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy, it’s not black and white. There are many unknowns. Now, we are grateful, and certain that we are on the right path. I am keeping it in mind… “Nothing worth having comes easy!” ❤️❤️❤️

We will figure it out, like we always do!

 

When it comes to making a decision on when to start a family, many couples have discussions and develop a plan. We did just that. Unfortunately it just never worked out that way. We had discussions early in the relationship about if each of us wanted kids, and if so how many. The typical talks, I assume. When we were living in Perrysburg, Ohio we had a long talk once about “our plan.” It went a little something like this…after I finished graduate school, after the wedding, once we get settled down where we want to be, and so forth. All of those things made sense, but I remember wanting to fast forward to the end of graduate school, the day of our wedding, and then get started with the rest of our lives. Both of us tend to be impatient, and that is one weakness we both have.

Time flew by, as it always does. I finished my Master in Public Health Degree in May of 2014, we moved to Temecula, CA in July that same year, and the wedding was set for October. To say the least, 2014 was an eventful year! When we made the move out here, and thankfully we had a soft landing at Joel and Jennifer’s house. We sold everything we owned to get here, and only came with two small cars loaded to the brim. In March of 2015 we decided as newlyweds, we needed our own place. We found a beautiful town home near Old Town Murrieta, and out we went! 🙂

I absolutely love the memories that we made in our first place here in Southern California. The week before we moved out of the in-laws house, we ended up adopting a puppy. I am a softy when it comes to animals, and Evan is a softy for me and animals. We are doomed! 🙂 That is how we got our little Jordy Monster! The Farnum clan grew from three to four. (We got Bentley in 2011 for those of you who don’t know).

Life was perfect and we were living the dream. One night in November of 2015, we decided to go have dinner and a drink at a local bar that we frequented. I remember this night so clearly, because it was one that made me overjoyed about our future. We were having a beer and just making small talk, nothing too monumental. I had watched a pregnancy reveal video that day, and I began telling Evan how hilarious it was. I pulled it up and showed him. We were dying laughing! The parents were screaming and crying like no other. If you haven’t seen some of these, please do. They will make you nearly pee yourself. I remember saying to him that I was ready to start trying to kids, and him saying he was too. I was a little shocked, but excited.

We sat and talked for a few about what would change, discussing if we were ready and such. The conclusion was, no one is ever ready, and timing can never be perfect, so why not now.  I was over the moon excited about the next chapter. The next few months I was anxious and excited when “that time” was near. I had myself convinced each month that I would not start and I would be pregnant. Unfortunately, that was never the case.  The months came and went, and no baby. After six months of trying I decided to pay my OBGYN a visit, and see what she had to say. She asked me how long we had been trying and were we doing it correct (wait… WHAT?!? You have to tell people how to do it right? LoL!). Her advice was not what I wanted… “Keep trying. You are young, healthy and it can take up to a year or more. If it doesn’t happen then we can explore why.”

The months flew by and at the one year mark, nothing had happened. I had been tracking my cycles, using ovulation strips, and basically making myself insane. I scheduled my appointment, and she gave me a laundry list of tests to have done. I was poked and prodded more than I could explain over the next few months. Once everything was completed, I scheduled the follow up. Evan and I went together to see the doctor in mid-December of 2016. She walked in, sat down, and said “okay, so I have news that you are not going to like.” My stomach dropped. She went on to tell us that we were likely to be unable to conceive naturally, and that we would probably need to do IVF. We received a slip to see a local fertility specialist and we were on our way. This was bomb number one.

Since it was near the holidays, I was unable to get an appointment with the specialist until mid-January. The waiting was going to be unbearable. Two days before our appointment with the specialist I received a call from the office manager telling me that they did not take our insurance. I had given her my information back in December when I scheduled the appointment, why in the world was she waiting until 2 days before my appointment to notify me of this?!?! I broke down crying in the middle of the store, and screamed at the lady.  The response I gave her was a little something like this… “Are you kidding me? I gave you my insurance last month, and we have been waiting impatiently for this appointment. This is ridiculous. I need to speak to your boss. This is a sensitive subject and you CLEARLY have no regard for others.” I got off the phone with her and called Evan, of course in tears and furious. Who wouldn’t be? They had offered us a free consultation, but in heat of the moment I told her no, that I didn’t want anything to do with that practice. My logical husband, told me that we should take it, and at least get information on why we had been unsuccessful thus far. The specialist would be able to read all of our test results, and at least give us some sort of idea of next steps.

Two days later we were off to the specialist. I was so nervous but anxious to get answers. We met with Dr. Chuan, and she was incredible. She went through all of our test results in full detail, and gave us percentages of the likelihood of natural conception, as well as our options. I had a blocked fallopian tube, which was causing an unhealthy environment in my uterus. The term for this is hydrosalpinx, and in order to treat it I would need to have it removed, and then have therapy to clear up the issues in my uterus. I remember that my mind was racing, it was taking everything in me not to break down and cry. Evan was calm (as usual), asked a million questions and took detailed notes. After meeting with the doctor we spoke with the lady who handles financials. WOW, sticker shock! The cost was unbelievable. Yet again, I was on the verge of tears and a break down. Evan took notes and asked all the right questions. He truly is my savior. We left to head home with information and a decision to make.

We got home, I grabbed the wine (obviously this was necessary), and we sat down on the couch to talk. Evan asked me “If money was not an issue, what would you do?” Crying, I replied that I would do IVF and we would begin our family. He thought that I was going to want to try all kinds of “hippy medicine” to try to fix things, then if it didn’t work we would do IVF. Normally, that would be true, but not in this case. I am all about natural medicine and treatment, but the information we received was pretty clear. He said that he felt the same way, and we would figure it out, like we always do. I felt some relief knowing that we were on the same page. The money was my biggest concern with all of this. Evan, being Mr. Logical, said “you have no problem financing a new car, but you are worried about financing our future children?” I had not thought about it this way before. Damn him for being so logical. 🙂 We also discussed the unknown. If we were unsuccessful with IVF, we were both open to adoption. In that moment we had made our decision, we were going to do IVF and begin our pathway to parenthood. ❤