Halloween… A day filled with fun and candy right?! Well, normally that is the case, but not this year. I was in a meeting at work when I received a call that had a Del Mar area code. I raced out of my meeting knowing that it could be the lab with our results from genetic testing on the five embryos. As I suspected, it was. A lady named Linda told me she was calling with results and my heart began to race. I had my fingers crossed and a smile was stretched across my face.
What she said next was completely unexpected. She told me that all five embryos came back with abnormalities and that none were viable. My heart sank and the smile that was plastered to my face quickly went away. I told her that certainly wasn’t the news I was expecting, and she apologized. I hung up and felt like I was in a bad dream. I left all of my belongings in the meeting and knew I couldn’t interrupt and walk out. I had to keep it together.
I went back into the meeting and to be totally honest I have no idea what happened the last 20 minutes. I was choking back tears and trying not to think about what had just happened. The meeting finally concluded and I rushed off to pick up signs for an event. I didn’t want to call Evan until I had completed my work because I knew once I heard his voice I was going to lose it. I grabbed the signs and then started towards home. The call to my love, was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I called and he answered having no idea that I had received news. I explained to him what the lady at the lab had told me and I burst into tears. I could hardly see to drive and I felt as though my world was crashing down around me. He told me to stay calm, stay off my phone and we would talk when I got home. The tears wouldn’t stop and my chest felt tight. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I was having a heart attack. It hurt so bad to think about losing our five precious embryos.
I walked in the door and was greeted by 3 happy dogs. I pushed past them and my husband took me in his arms and I sobbed. I could not wrap my head around the fact that they all had abnormalities. How can that be?!? 😪 We crawled into bed and I cried some more while Evan laid there rubbing my back. It dawned on me after awhile that he must be crushed too, and that I had not even asked what he was feeling. I felt like a horrible wife in that moment. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he wanted more information. It wasn’t fair for them to call, drop that information on us and give us no details. I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting, but he was trying to be strong for me. He’s my rock and I cannot put into words how much I appreciate him. Since it was after hours, the waiting continued. Something that is all too common in the IVF process.
The next day we had a call scheduled with our specialist, but we decided we wanted to have the conversation in person. We both took a mental health day from work and decided we needed to regroup. We started our morning off with breakfast at our favorite place then we headed down to Del Mar to get the details. We arrived early, clearly eager for information. Unfortunately the specialist got stuck in the OR and was almost an hour behind. 🙄 So, the waiting continued. Thankfully my goofy husband kept me laughing. He was asking Alexa to tell us jokes…. In the specialist’s office! 😂
She finally came in and explained the results, but she told us she only knows surface details and that we would need to contact our genetic counselor. Three out of the five embryos came back with Myotonic Dystrophy, one had clear (unknown) abnormalities and number five was determined to “probably” have abnormalities. She explained to us that embryos can be mosaic, which means there are some abnormal cells but not enough to determine if it is “good” or “bad.” To say the least, I feel just as lost as I did when we got the call. I had thought about many possibilities while waiting for the call, but never imagined this outcome. I told him husband he was stuck with just plain ol’ me for awhile longer… His reply: “that’s okay, that’s what I signed up for.” 😍😉 I just love him. This morning I also woke up to a good morning text, he reminded me to keep my head up and that our journey is not over.
My favorite TV show is Big Brother… The famous line from the show is “Expect the Unexpected.” I also feel that this should be the theme for IVF warriors. Nothing goes as planned.. Any who, I digress.
Today, we will be calling to schedule with the genetic counselor. We are hoping to get some clarification.
With all of that said, our hearts have been ripped out and shattered. We were so optimistic and had high hopes for our five little fighters. On the way home we talked about possible next steps, knowing that we still needed way more information to make a sound decision. As usual, we were on the same page. I told him my thoughts and feelings about things and he told me he was thinking the same thing. My husband truly is amazing, in case I haven’t told you enough! 😉
We have a wonderful support system and we are so thankful for all of the love and prayers from those around us. Our journey is no where close to over, and unfortunately we will probably hit a few more speed bumps, but together we can overcome anything that comes our way. We are weighing out all of our options, trying to figure out the financial portion and we are 100% sure we will be parents, no matter how the path looks.